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But what about me?

November 4, 2013

So this evening I’m feeling really sad & abandoned by someone I should be able to rely on, to turn to when things are rough & not going to plan.  Someone who should be there to celebrate with me when things are going well too. Instead I feel quite alone and that makes me sad.

I look at people around me & I see the relationships they have with siblings.  I see how close they are.  I see them meeting up for coffee, going out for a meal, praps going to the cinema or even out shopping together.  Or maybe, yes maybe, just sitting & spending time together talking, supporting one another.  And yet to me, that’s an alien concept.  It’s something I feel I’ve never had.  Something that I’ve never been able to share in.  And right now, right at this precise moment in time, that hurts even more than it usually does because I want that.

I guess I should be used to it by now shouldnt I? But that doesn’t make it any better or any easier to deal with.  I should know by now that no matter how much I want that kind of relationship, I just cant force it to happen.  I cant force other people  to want the same.  I should accept that & carry on.  Unfortunately I can’t.  That’s just not the type of person I am.  So inside I hurt.

Sometimes the constant picking & jibes just get too much for a person to bear.  Sometimes I inevitably speak back.  I say how much it hurts & how much I hate it.  But it falls on deaf ears.  And the situation is reversed according to the other person.  The hurt I’m feeling is unwarranted.  Nothing has happened.  Nothing has been said.  It’s just me being difficult.  Apparently!  So the fact I’m hurting, that I’m crying out inside & crying tears outside, that’s irrelevant.

I’ve said my piece.  I’ve expressed my feelings & emotions.  What more can I do?  I guess tomorrow I’ll just have to forget about it, move on & watch those people around me get the love, support, compassion and friendship that I want so much.  And what I’ve said will be forgotten.  It will just be me being awkward & emotional unnecessarily.  My words will have fallen on deaf ears, be forgotten & their life will carry on merrily regardless.

But what about me?

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