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The first Christmas

December 26, 2013

I can’t quite believe I’ve just had Christmas without Mum. I’ve tried so hard today and managed so well but now it’s all over, it’s now that the tears are flowing. And it really hurts. There’s a huge gap. After a lifetime of Christmasses this was the first one I spent without Mum, without my Mum to share it with me. That’s just so immense, so huge. I just can’t come to terms with it right now.

We carried on as normal. I even had some times of great laughter with my niece. We talked about Mum as though that were normal. But it wasn’t normal, she wasn’t there and that’s not right and it’s not fair. She so wanted to be home for Christmas and to spend it with us all. She didn’t get to do that. Why? I don’t know but I really wish she had because Christmas without Mum just doesn’t seem right at all. And right now I’m wondering whether it will ever seem right again.

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