Tears of remembrance

February 11, 2015

crying-eyesToday I’m feeling sad.  I think about my Mum every day & I can’t see that will ever change but today it seems worse.  I went shopping this morning & whilst I was wandering around the aisles of one particular store I just found my thoughts drifting back to Mum.  I think it’s because it was the type of shop that she loved looking around, with lots of bits & pieces she could find & pick up, and often buy for me!  As I walked up & down the aisles I kept discovering things I wanted to show her, or things that I know she’d have stopped to look at, that would have interested her.  But I can’t share them with her.  Period.  That makes me sad.

I’ve not cried about what happened for a while now until today.  I actually thought that perhaps people were right & that after the first year it really does get easier & you learn to move on.  Today I don’t think that’s true.  Yes, sometimes it’s much easier than others.  Some days I even smile at the memories.  But to be honest, beneath it all there’s always that longing to change things.  That desire to pick up the phone & call her or to get in my car & drive around to see her.  I can’t.  And today I couldn’t share some silly things in a shop with her.  It’s crazy really.  Such an ordinary & small thing has just hit me in the face out of the blue.  I can’t really express how I feel.  I just know it hurts again today.  The little girl inside me just wants her Mum, the person who was always there for her, protecting her & looking after her.  I wish I’d been able to do more to protect & look after her.  I tried to fight her corner but in the end it wasn’t enough & circumstances took over.  Hmm, and look how that turned out!

How to move on?

I don’t know.

I just know that I will carry on getting up every day.  I will carry on remembering Mum every day, in the ordinary little things & in the big things. She carved a big place in my heart & it’s just feeling empty today.  I guess I need to find another way to fill part of it


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