Shattered expectations 

August 29, 2016

Fearless. When I chose that as my word for 2016 little did I know how apt it would be, almost prophetic. Today as we approach the end of August I’m having to say it to myself daily, at least. 

Life often takes you on a different path, throws curve balls at you. I can certainly say things haven’t gone to the plan I expected or hoped for. Safe to say life in 2016 is not what I dreamt about. In some respects I feel like I just haven’t achieved my potential. I almost question “where did it all go wrong? ” But on the other hand, I have seen & done things which I guess I never expected. 

Hmm expectations. 

But right now, after the most recent curveballs, I just want someone to be there with me. Someone to hold my hand, steady my back. Someone to be there when I wake up breathless, suffocated by that paralysing fear. That fear which doesn’t just creep up on me but almost runs a race to catch me unaware & make my world crumble that little bit more. 

Right now I’m scared. I’m in a place physically at the moment where life should be bliss. Views, sounds, tastes. But I’m struggling to drown myself in this utopia. Instead that nagging fear is whispering at me. Reminding me. Just when I think Yes, things might be ok, it cries a little louder & reminds me that soon life will never be the same again.
So here I am, here and now, thinking, hoping . Wishing I had someone here to just hold me tight, to be there, to understand, to be a voice of reason, of comfort, of strength. In that absence I just remind myself to be fearless. What else can I do? 


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