Archive for the ‘emotions’ Category

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Why worry?

January 3, 2017

So where to start?  I’ve not posted for a while but it’s not cos there’s been nothing to say, perhaps there’s been too much to say?  Who knows?  Today I’m compelled to write for cathartic reasons, so forgive my ramblings & feelings if they become too much.

We all have someone in our lives who’s the person who’s meant to look out for us, to protect us, to be there when you need them, to tell you it’s ok and to comfort you.  That person who you look to or perhaps look up to.  I guess it’s probably a different person for each of us but I think in reality it’s probably usually a relative.  Anyway, my person, the person who I want to look out for me, who I hold on that pedestal, they’re not there for me right now.  And if I’m honest, they’ve not really been there for me during these past three and a half years when I’ve needed them most, when I’ve felt like my whole world is crumbling around me, when I’ve had no-one else to turn to.

This week it’s got worse.  I’ve been in tears too many times.  I’ve felt so alone and let down.  I’m so scared about things right now.  I can’t see a solution.  I don’t know what to do.

Perhaps writing is helping put this into perspective.  Perhaps it will help me?  I don’t know but I’m reminded of some words I heard recently, why worry, it just means we put ourselves through the pain twice.

 

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Broken

August 9, 2015

Antique-PianoI’m a pianist. I’ve been playing the piano for as long as I’ve been walking. Apparently as soon as I could stand I was over at the piano trying to play so it was only natural for me to have lessons from a very early age. I might not be a professional and I’m certainly a bit more rusty nowadays but nevertheless, I’m a pianist. Music is embedded deep in my soul, it’s part of me and I can’t imagine life without it.

So imagine my horror earlier today when some friends posted online that their work to transform a piano into a desk was well under way!!! :O  I was horrified and literally just shouted noooooooo, sacrilege! I told them that they couldn’t kill a piano. They replied it was beyond hope and they were giving it a new purpose. I’ve no problem with recycling or transforming things, but IT’S A PIANO!! It’s not just a piece of furniture, it’s a musical instrument, carefully and amazingly constructed to produce beautiful sounds. You can’t just abandon it as not fit for purpose (perhaps that’s a sad reflection on life today but that’s for another post.) It should be cared for, restored, repaired, re-tuned and returned to its former glory. It shouldn’t have all its musical wonders removed (that picture almost made me cry) & left as an empty shell, a case, a mere shadow of its former self.

The series of photos which followed really bothered me and drove me to my own piano. I just had to sit & play. And as I did, memories of my piano playing past resurfaced, memories of my Mum listening, memories of my first solo in public, memories of exams and practice. Emotional memories. And that’s just as it should be. A piano should inspire, emote, transfix and so many other things. It’s not just a piece of furniture, it has a heart and soul of its own.

So this evening I’m emotional. I mourn the loss of a piano. Madness you say? No, just the power of a piano to a pianist.

 

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Tears of remembrance

February 11, 2015

crying-eyesToday I’m feeling sad.  I think about my Mum every day & I can’t see that will ever change but today it seems worse.  I went shopping this morning & whilst I was wandering around the aisles of one particular store I just found my thoughts drifting back to Mum.  I think it’s because it was the type of shop that she loved looking around, with lots of bits & pieces she could find & pick up, and often buy for me!  As I walked up & down the aisles I kept discovering things I wanted to show her, or things that I know she’d have stopped to look at, that would have interested her.  But I can’t share them with her.  Period.  That makes me sad.

I’ve not cried about what happened for a while now until today.  I actually thought that perhaps people were right & that after the first year it really does get easier & you learn to move on.  Today I don’t think that’s true.  Yes, sometimes it’s much easier than others.  Some days I even smile at the memories.  But to be honest, beneath it all there’s always that longing to change things.  That desire to pick up the phone & call her or to get in my car & drive around to see her.  I can’t.  And today I couldn’t share some silly things in a shop with her.  It’s crazy really.  Such an ordinary & small thing has just hit me in the face out of the blue.  I can’t really express how I feel.  I just know it hurts again today.  The little girl inside me just wants her Mum, the person who was always there for her, protecting her & looking after her.  I wish I’d been able to do more to protect & look after her.  I tried to fight her corner but in the end it wasn’t enough & circumstances took over.  Hmm, and look how that turned out!

How to move on?

I don’t know.

I just know that I will carry on getting up every day.  I will carry on remembering Mum every day, in the ordinary little things & in the big things. She carved a big place in my heart & it’s just feeling empty today.  I guess I need to find another way to fill part of it

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The power of music

January 27, 2014

So there you are, listening to music and suddenly you find yourself in tears.  Ever happened to you?

It seems to be happening to me a lot recently and there’s just nothing I can do about it.  Yes, I know I’m still in a pretty emotional state of mind after everything that’s happened recently but never has it been so apparent to me just how powerful music actually is on your state of mind.  I’ve spoken to a few people recently who have confirmed that music has a similar effect on them, not just in the immediate aftermath of loss but many years later, and not always following negative times or events.  It seems that music is a media which is really able to stir our thoughts and memories and bring us back to that point of raw emotion almost at the flick of a switch.

I must admit that I’m finding Sundays incredibly difficult at the moment and that’s because my Church is by nature very musical.  I’ve advocated in the importance of music for so long and I cannot imagine life without it but right now, right in these days of such immense pain, I’m really struggling with it and I’m struggling not because it is bringing out any particular memories and not because the music has any specific relevance.  I can’t even explain what it is, I just know that music is bringing me to tears incredibly easily.  To be honest it’s quite an emotional rollercoaster & I seem to be coming away feeling almost physically drained and just so raw and fragile and vulnerable.  And it’s at times like these that I just need people to be there for me, to talk to me, to distract me, to comfort me.  No, if I’m really honest I don’t even need all of that, in reality I just want them to be there for me and to hold me.  And right now, despite the support & understanding of one or two people I’m not really finding that anywhere and that makes things feel even more raw.

So what to do?  I’m told that in time it gets easier, that our minds are able to remember happy times but I’m also told that even in many years, music can still have that powerful effect on us and bring memories flooding back alongside the tears.  Hmm, not sure that’s something to look forward to but in the meantime I guess I need to keep carrying a packet of tissues around with me!!

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Goodbye

December 14, 2013

Today we said goodbye to you.  It was a difficult day but I hope you were proud of us and what we did for you. tears1

We left your house early this morning, the undertaker even walked down the road in front of you to stop the rush hour traffic.  Wonder what you would’ve said about that?  The chapel was tough.  I knew it would be & I so wanted to stay strong but I crumbled a little as I looked at the beautiful flowers on your coffin. Even now I can’t quite come to terms with the fact that you were inside it, it’s just so unreal still.  I was moved to see your grandson shed a tear too but Captain’s words had that effect on us all.  The graveyard was really hard but we rallied round together & tried to look after Dad for you, he misses you so much already.

Your Thanksgiving Service was well attended, I think you would’ve been pleased.  It was a real time of thanks for everything you have been to each of us.  We were told that the best tribute to you was us, your family. We are all so grateful for everything you’ve done for us and the time we spent together. Your grandchildren really did you proud & spoke so well and the pictures that they put together were a great portrait of your life with each of us, helping us to remember special times.  It was all about you.    I don’t know what you would’ve said about that but so many people told me how lovely the service was, so I think you would have liked it too – I hope so.

So where do I go from here?  Well tomorrow I have to start learning how to live my life without you.  That’s a scary thought & I don’t know how I’m going to manage but I guess I have to, don’t I?  I think you told me recently that you’d be ok, to carry on but all the same Christmas won’t be the same without you here. I know you would want me to try to enjoy it though, so tomorrow your grandaughter is going to help me put up the tree.  We won’t be able to do the lights as well as you, but we’ll do our best and hopefully you’ll be smiling down when you see the finished product and it won’t look too bad.  I’ll make sure I put up the lights you gave me and I’ll think of you whenever I look at them.

I miss you, always.  All my love xx

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Prayer for a loved one

November 14, 2013

Sometimes you can feel really helpless, like no matter what you say it just isn’t making a difference.  Other people’s situations can just be too much & helping them to cope can be difficult.  Your inability to be able to solve the problem can make you very frustrated.  And your love for that person just brings you to tears.

I found myself there right now.  What can I do?  What can I say to ease their fears?  What can I do to make them feel better?  What should I be doing differently to help?

Unfortunately I don’t have the answer.  Experience is showing me that I really can’t change the situation however much I wish I could.  And as much as I want to be there all the time to help, I can’t do that either.  So what is the solution?  Right now, all I can do is pray and trust that will be enough, that things will improve, worries & fears will be taken away and soon a sense of normality will return.

praying-handsLord

Right now I ask you to put your arm around those people dearest to me.  Ease those worries & fears.  Comfort & strengthen them in their time of need.  Lift away those feelings of uncertainty and replace them with confidence & a new sense of certainty. Help me to be there to support at this time and bring us all through this with a new sense of understanding for one another and the surety that everything will be alright.

Amen

Someone shared these words with me today, words which they are turning to for support during their own difficult time.  I pray that I will be able to do the same right now:
“Why should I worry & fret when I can cast my anxiety on Christ who cares for me?” 1 Peter 5:7

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But what about me?

November 4, 2013

So this evening I’m feeling really sad & abandoned by someone I should be able to rely on, to turn to when things are rough & not going to plan.  Someone who should be there to celebrate with me when things are going well too. Instead I feel quite alone and that makes me sad.

I look at people around me & I see the relationships they have with siblings.  I see how close they are.  I see them meeting up for coffee, going out for a meal, praps going to the cinema or even out shopping together.  Or maybe, yes maybe, just sitting & spending time together talking, supporting one another.  And yet to me, that’s an alien concept.  It’s something I feel I’ve never had.  Something that I’ve never been able to share in.  And right now, right at this precise moment in time, that hurts even more than it usually does because I want that.

I guess I should be used to it by now shouldnt I? But that doesn’t make it any better or any easier to deal with.  I should know by now that no matter how much I want that kind of relationship, I just cant force it to happen.  I cant force other people  to want the same.  I should accept that & carry on.  Unfortunately I can’t.  That’s just not the type of person I am.  So inside I hurt.

Sometimes the constant picking & jibes just get too much for a person to bear.  Sometimes I inevitably speak back.  I say how much it hurts & how much I hate it.  But it falls on deaf ears.  And the situation is reversed according to the other person.  The hurt I’m feeling is unwarranted.  Nothing has happened.  Nothing has been said.  It’s just me being difficult.  Apparently!  So the fact I’m hurting, that I’m crying out inside & crying tears outside, that’s irrelevant.

I’ve said my piece.  I’ve expressed my feelings & emotions.  What more can I do?  I guess tomorrow I’ll just have to forget about it, move on & watch those people around me get the love, support, compassion and friendship that I want so much.  And what I’ve said will be forgotten.  It will just be me being awkward & emotional unnecessarily.  My words will have fallen on deaf ears, be forgotten & their life will carry on merrily regardless.

But what about me?

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