Archive for the ‘family’ Category

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Why oh why?!

January 6, 2014

blueI’m miffed!

However hard I try to be positive about stuff, things keep happening which result in disappointment and disillusionment. Not good. And it’s happened again today. Plans made over a week ago were changed this morning. Ok nothing I can do about that, I’ll work with it & get the best out of the amended plans. And new plans were born. But now it seems the plans might have to change again. The difference this time is that there is no working with them to make them better & if the changes do happen I’m gonna end up being disappointed and put out.

That really frustrates me. I’m in need of good things happening at the moment, not endless streams of being let down. I’m trying so hard at the moment, but how do I work with this? How do I turn this impending disappointment into something positive? How do I find a light in this tunnel?  Hmm, right now I really don’t know.

This morning I heard it was blue Monday today and for the first time in a number of years that didn’t phase me, I wasn’t nodding in agreement thinking about how horrible the day was. Sadly I’ve ended up a little blue now. I’m sure I’m not alone in going through this sort of thing. So if anyone has any suggestions, I’m definitely open to them right now please.

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Another year

December 30, 2013

candleIt’s my birthday today.  A day when society says I should be all happiness & light and having fun fun fun.  And yes, I have had a good day with my family and have received lots of lovely messages from friends across the globe.  But this year has also been a sad birthday because it’s been without Mum, the person who gave me life on this very day a few years ago, at 23.35 precisely!

So tonight I’m saying thank you.  Thank you because I’m here.  Thank you for loving me.  Thank you for looking after me.  Thank you for taking care of me.  Thank you for the joy of all my past birthdays. Thank you for the anticipation of all those birthdays still to come.  Thank you because without you, there would be no me.

As I look back on the past year, it’s been challenging and difficult at times.  As I look ahead to the year which will come, I set off with optimism for the future and a desire to believe. Watch this space for more about this.

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The first Christmas

December 26, 2013

I can’t quite believe I’ve just had Christmas without Mum. I’ve tried so hard today and managed so well but now it’s all over, it’s now that the tears are flowing. And it really hurts. There’s a huge gap. After a lifetime of Christmasses this was the first one I spent without Mum, without my Mum to share it with me. That’s just so immense, so huge. I just can’t come to terms with it right now.

We carried on as normal. I even had some times of great laughter with my niece. We talked about Mum as though that were normal. But it wasn’t normal, she wasn’t there and that’s not right and it’s not fair. She so wanted to be home for Christmas and to spend it with us all. She didn’t get to do that. Why? I don’t know but I really wish she had because Christmas without Mum just doesn’t seem right at all. And right now I’m wondering whether it will ever seem right again.

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Happy Christmas

December 25, 2013

So it’s just turned midnight so is effectively Christmas Day, 2013, although technically, seeing as I haven’t gone to bed yet it’s really still Christmas Eve in my mind, the eve to the first Christmas without Mum. Wow! Just saying that brings tears to my eyes. How can I possibly celebrate Christmas this year without her? How can I be cheerful and smiling and enjoying all the things of Christmas and the promises it foretells?

Quite honestly, I don’t know.

But I think I think that Mum would want me to carry on with Christmas. She would want me to enjoy the day. She wouldn’t want me to be sad thinking about what could have been or even what should have been, we all know this isn’t what we planned or would choose for Christmas 2013. But I can’t think like that, can I? I need to remember those great Christmasses of the past, those happy times with Mum, those special times and things which she did for me. I need to focus on those as best I can.

I won’t forget you this year Mum, you’ll be close by, in my heart. I hope you’re watching down and that you’ll like what you see and that you’ll know that I love you and I miss you and you are not at all forgotten.

Happy Christmas Mum x

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Goodbye

December 14, 2013

Today we said goodbye to you.  It was a difficult day but I hope you were proud of us and what we did for you. tears1

We left your house early this morning, the undertaker even walked down the road in front of you to stop the rush hour traffic.  Wonder what you would’ve said about that?  The chapel was tough.  I knew it would be & I so wanted to stay strong but I crumbled a little as I looked at the beautiful flowers on your coffin. Even now I can’t quite come to terms with the fact that you were inside it, it’s just so unreal still.  I was moved to see your grandson shed a tear too but Captain’s words had that effect on us all.  The graveyard was really hard but we rallied round together & tried to look after Dad for you, he misses you so much already.

Your Thanksgiving Service was well attended, I think you would’ve been pleased.  It was a real time of thanks for everything you have been to each of us.  We were told that the best tribute to you was us, your family. We are all so grateful for everything you’ve done for us and the time we spent together. Your grandchildren really did you proud & spoke so well and the pictures that they put together were a great portrait of your life with each of us, helping us to remember special times.  It was all about you.    I don’t know what you would’ve said about that but so many people told me how lovely the service was, so I think you would have liked it too – I hope so.

So where do I go from here?  Well tomorrow I have to start learning how to live my life without you.  That’s a scary thought & I don’t know how I’m going to manage but I guess I have to, don’t I?  I think you told me recently that you’d be ok, to carry on but all the same Christmas won’t be the same without you here. I know you would want me to try to enjoy it though, so tomorrow your grandaughter is going to help me put up the tree.  We won’t be able to do the lights as well as you, but we’ll do our best and hopefully you’ll be smiling down when you see the finished product and it won’t look too bad.  I’ll make sure I put up the lights you gave me and I’ll think of you whenever I look at them.

I miss you, always.  All my love xx

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But what about me?

November 4, 2013

So this evening I’m feeling really sad & abandoned by someone I should be able to rely on, to turn to when things are rough & not going to plan.  Someone who should be there to celebrate with me when things are going well too. Instead I feel quite alone and that makes me sad.

I look at people around me & I see the relationships they have with siblings.  I see how close they are.  I see them meeting up for coffee, going out for a meal, praps going to the cinema or even out shopping together.  Or maybe, yes maybe, just sitting & spending time together talking, supporting one another.  And yet to me, that’s an alien concept.  It’s something I feel I’ve never had.  Something that I’ve never been able to share in.  And right now, right at this precise moment in time, that hurts even more than it usually does because I want that.

I guess I should be used to it by now shouldnt I? But that doesn’t make it any better or any easier to deal with.  I should know by now that no matter how much I want that kind of relationship, I just cant force it to happen.  I cant force other people  to want the same.  I should accept that & carry on.  Unfortunately I can’t.  That’s just not the type of person I am.  So inside I hurt.

Sometimes the constant picking & jibes just get too much for a person to bear.  Sometimes I inevitably speak back.  I say how much it hurts & how much I hate it.  But it falls on deaf ears.  And the situation is reversed according to the other person.  The hurt I’m feeling is unwarranted.  Nothing has happened.  Nothing has been said.  It’s just me being difficult.  Apparently!  So the fact I’m hurting, that I’m crying out inside & crying tears outside, that’s irrelevant.

I’ve said my piece.  I’ve expressed my feelings & emotions.  What more can I do?  I guess tomorrow I’ll just have to forget about it, move on & watch those people around me get the love, support, compassion and friendship that I want so much.  And what I’ve said will be forgotten.  It will just be me being awkward & emotional unnecessarily.  My words will have fallen on deaf ears, be forgotten & their life will carry on merrily regardless.

But what about me?

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The internet can be a dangerous thing

July 26, 2011

Do you ever have that feeling in the pit of your stomach?  You know the one, when someone tells you something & your brain goes into overdrive and thinks the worst?  Well that’s where I am right now.  I’ve been told something that scares me.  To be honest it didn’t scare me straight away, it was only when I decided to do a Google search that I became scared.  The internet can be a such a dangerous thing!

So now that I’ve read the bad stuff online, I can’t quite wipe that out of my mind & so now I’m sitting here really rather scared & a tad tearful even worrying about something that I can’t change and about something which in all probability isn’t even fact.  I’ve got that horrible feeling in my stomach & my inside is turning over doing somersaults 😦

I guess it’s part of my make-up, that sense of worry & concern about people I love and care for.  I’ve inherited it from my Mum & I can’t do anything about it.  I can tell myself not to worry.  I can tell myself that there’s nothing to worry about.  I can even convince myself that that’s true – well almost.  But then my brain reminds me & there goes my stomach acrobatics again! 😦

What is it they say about knowledge?  Too much can be a bad thing?  Hmm, I reckon I can appreciate that right now :S

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