Archive for the ‘grief’ Category

h1

Why worry?

January 3, 2017

So where to start?  I’ve not posted for a while but it’s not cos there’s been nothing to say, perhaps there’s been too much to say?  Who knows?  Today I’m compelled to write for cathartic reasons, so forgive my ramblings & feelings if they become too much.

We all have someone in our lives who’s the person who’s meant to look out for us, to protect us, to be there when you need them, to tell you it’s ok and to comfort you.  That person who you look to or perhaps look up to.  I guess it’s probably a different person for each of us but I think in reality it’s probably usually a relative.  Anyway, my person, the person who I want to look out for me, who I hold on that pedestal, they’re not there for me right now.  And if I’m honest, they’ve not really been there for me during these past three and a half years when I’ve needed them most, when I’ve felt like my whole world is crumbling around me, when I’ve had no-one else to turn to.

This week it’s got worse.  I’ve been in tears too many times.  I’ve felt so alone and let down.  I’m so scared about things right now.  I can’t see a solution.  I don’t know what to do.

Perhaps writing is helping put this into perspective.  Perhaps it will help me?  I don’t know but I’m reminded of some words I heard recently, why worry, it just means we put ourselves through the pain twice.

 

Advertisements
h1

Tears of remembrance

February 11, 2015

crying-eyesToday I’m feeling sad.  I think about my Mum every day & I can’t see that will ever change but today it seems worse.  I went shopping this morning & whilst I was wandering around the aisles of one particular store I just found my thoughts drifting back to Mum.  I think it’s because it was the type of shop that she loved looking around, with lots of bits & pieces she could find & pick up, and often buy for me!  As I walked up & down the aisles I kept discovering things I wanted to show her, or things that I know she’d have stopped to look at, that would have interested her.  But I can’t share them with her.  Period.  That makes me sad.

I’ve not cried about what happened for a while now until today.  I actually thought that perhaps people were right & that after the first year it really does get easier & you learn to move on.  Today I don’t think that’s true.  Yes, sometimes it’s much easier than others.  Some days I even smile at the memories.  But to be honest, beneath it all there’s always that longing to change things.  That desire to pick up the phone & call her or to get in my car & drive around to see her.  I can’t.  And today I couldn’t share some silly things in a shop with her.  It’s crazy really.  Such an ordinary & small thing has just hit me in the face out of the blue.  I can’t really express how I feel.  I just know it hurts again today.  The little girl inside me just wants her Mum, the person who was always there for her, protecting her & looking after her.  I wish I’d been able to do more to protect & look after her.  I tried to fight her corner but in the end it wasn’t enough & circumstances took over.  Hmm, and look how that turned out!

How to move on?

I don’t know.

I just know that I will carry on getting up every day.  I will carry on remembering Mum every day, in the ordinary little things & in the big things. She carved a big place in my heart & it’s just feeling empty today.  I guess I need to find another way to fill part of it

h1

2 months

February 2, 2014

It’s been 2 months.  People say it’s still early days.  I can’t believe it’s been so long.  It still feels so fresh.

My brain still doesn’t believe it.  I can’t comprehend it.

My heart still hurts.  There’s just a huge gap.

The tears are still falling.  Randomly.  Suddenly.  Like a bolt out of the blue.  For no reason at all.

😦

 

 

%d bloggers like this: