Archive for the ‘love’ Category

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Why worry?

January 3, 2017

So where to start?  I’ve not posted for a while but it’s not cos there’s been nothing to say, perhaps there’s been too much to say?  Who knows?  Today I’m compelled to write for cathartic reasons, so forgive my ramblings & feelings if they become too much.

We all have someone in our lives who’s the person who’s meant to look out for us, to protect us, to be there when you need them, to tell you it’s ok and to comfort you.  That person who you look to or perhaps look up to.  I guess it’s probably a different person for each of us but I think in reality it’s probably usually a relative.  Anyway, my person, the person who I want to look out for me, who I hold on that pedestal, they’re not there for me right now.  And if I’m honest, they’ve not really been there for me during these past three and a half years when I’ve needed them most, when I’ve felt like my whole world is crumbling around me, when I’ve had no-one else to turn to.

This week it’s got worse.  I’ve been in tears too many times.  I’ve felt so alone and let down.  I’m so scared about things right now.  I can’t see a solution.  I don’t know what to do.

Perhaps writing is helping put this into perspective.  Perhaps it will help me?  I don’t know but I’m reminded of some words I heard recently, why worry, it just means we put ourselves through the pain twice.

 

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Alone in a crowd

June 14, 2015

I watched a discussion on television the other day where they were discussing whether or not it was right for women to remain single or whether we should all strive to get married, because that’s the norm in society. Some of the views expressed annoyed & angered me. At the same time I agree it is the norm and if you’re not married many people look at you differently. Sometimes they don’t actually even look at you at all and it seems not being married makes you a non person. Unfortunately I often find myself feeling like that, particularly at church which is sad. It hurts. I know it’s only silly little things but I feel them, perhaps I’m just too sensitive?

Today I was at a wedding and it happened again. Arriving alone I had to decide where to sit. I found a couple of people outside & tried to tag along but it became clear that that wasn’t what they wanted and I found myself hovering, not knowing what to do. I even asked someone if I could sit next to them but they were saving the seat. I felt very lost. It’s just hard. I guess people in couples just don’t see it. They don’t realise how difficult it can be to arrive on your own & try to fit in. Maybe it comes easily to some people. Unfortunately I’m not one of those people.

So what should I have done? What can I do in situations like that? Maybe I’m feeling it more this week cos it’s been a tough week, one that I’ve really struggled through? I don’t know.

So although I enjoyed my day, I’m now sitting at home, alone, reflecting on things, wishing they’d gone differently. Hopeful that perhaps next time I’ll be pleasantly surprised. Trouble is, I’m just not that optimistic.
Hmm.

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Moments

February 13, 2015

There are moments in life when you wish you could bring someone down from heaven.  
To spend the day with them just one more time, give them one more hug,
kiss them goodbye or hear their voice again.  

One more chance to say I love You.
xx

heaven

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Tears of remembrance

February 11, 2015

crying-eyesToday I’m feeling sad.  I think about my Mum every day & I can’t see that will ever change but today it seems worse.  I went shopping this morning & whilst I was wandering around the aisles of one particular store I just found my thoughts drifting back to Mum.  I think it’s because it was the type of shop that she loved looking around, with lots of bits & pieces she could find & pick up, and often buy for me!  As I walked up & down the aisles I kept discovering things I wanted to show her, or things that I know she’d have stopped to look at, that would have interested her.  But I can’t share them with her.  Period.  That makes me sad.

I’ve not cried about what happened for a while now until today.  I actually thought that perhaps people were right & that after the first year it really does get easier & you learn to move on.  Today I don’t think that’s true.  Yes, sometimes it’s much easier than others.  Some days I even smile at the memories.  But to be honest, beneath it all there’s always that longing to change things.  That desire to pick up the phone & call her or to get in my car & drive around to see her.  I can’t.  And today I couldn’t share some silly things in a shop with her.  It’s crazy really.  Such an ordinary & small thing has just hit me in the face out of the blue.  I can’t really express how I feel.  I just know it hurts again today.  The little girl inside me just wants her Mum, the person who was always there for her, protecting her & looking after her.  I wish I’d been able to do more to protect & look after her.  I tried to fight her corner but in the end it wasn’t enough & circumstances took over.  Hmm, and look how that turned out!

How to move on?

I don’t know.

I just know that I will carry on getting up every day.  I will carry on remembering Mum every day, in the ordinary little things & in the big things. She carved a big place in my heart & it’s just feeling empty today.  I guess I need to find another way to fill part of it

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The first Christmas

December 26, 2013

I can’t quite believe I’ve just had Christmas without Mum. I’ve tried so hard today and managed so well but now it’s all over, it’s now that the tears are flowing. And it really hurts. There’s a huge gap. After a lifetime of Christmasses this was the first one I spent without Mum, without my Mum to share it with me. That’s just so immense, so huge. I just can’t come to terms with it right now.

We carried on as normal. I even had some times of great laughter with my niece. We talked about Mum as though that were normal. But it wasn’t normal, she wasn’t there and that’s not right and it’s not fair. She so wanted to be home for Christmas and to spend it with us all. She didn’t get to do that. Why? I don’t know but I really wish she had because Christmas without Mum just doesn’t seem right at all. And right now I’m wondering whether it will ever seem right again.

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Goodbye

December 14, 2013

Today we said goodbye to you.  It was a difficult day but I hope you were proud of us and what we did for you. tears1

We left your house early this morning, the undertaker even walked down the road in front of you to stop the rush hour traffic.  Wonder what you would’ve said about that?  The chapel was tough.  I knew it would be & I so wanted to stay strong but I crumbled a little as I looked at the beautiful flowers on your coffin. Even now I can’t quite come to terms with the fact that you were inside it, it’s just so unreal still.  I was moved to see your grandson shed a tear too but Captain’s words had that effect on us all.  The graveyard was really hard but we rallied round together & tried to look after Dad for you, he misses you so much already.

Your Thanksgiving Service was well attended, I think you would’ve been pleased.  It was a real time of thanks for everything you have been to each of us.  We were told that the best tribute to you was us, your family. We are all so grateful for everything you’ve done for us and the time we spent together. Your grandchildren really did you proud & spoke so well and the pictures that they put together were a great portrait of your life with each of us, helping us to remember special times.  It was all about you.    I don’t know what you would’ve said about that but so many people told me how lovely the service was, so I think you would have liked it too – I hope so.

So where do I go from here?  Well tomorrow I have to start learning how to live my life without you.  That’s a scary thought & I don’t know how I’m going to manage but I guess I have to, don’t I?  I think you told me recently that you’d be ok, to carry on but all the same Christmas won’t be the same without you here. I know you would want me to try to enjoy it though, so tomorrow your grandaughter is going to help me put up the tree.  We won’t be able to do the lights as well as you, but we’ll do our best and hopefully you’ll be smiling down when you see the finished product and it won’t look too bad.  I’ll make sure I put up the lights you gave me and I’ll think of you whenever I look at them.

I miss you, always.  All my love xx

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Hearts & Flowers

February 14, 2012

How is it that a few hearts & flowers can end up making you feel sad & hopeless?

Interesting question, or perhaps not to you but one I often ponder upon at this time of year. Yes, it’s Valentine’s Day, again. Unfortunately it comes around every year & it never seems to get any better.  To be honest, it’s one of those day which I would rather just sleep through & be oblivious too. But why? Well it’s those expectations again. The world’s assumption that everyone is happily coupled up & wants to share that day & make it special and that everyone else wants to hear all about it & have it seemingly thrown in their face.

Well it’s not true. Some of us aren’t in that happy situation & we don’t want to be reminded of that fact. We don’t want it to be in the shops for weeks on end beforehand, on the radio, on the tv, all over the net. Just leave it alone, please.

On Pause for Thought on the radio this morning the speaker talked about how she felt like she was walking under a cartoon black cloud on days like today. I wouldnt quite go that far but I would just say, celebrate quietly if you must, but dont make the rest of us feel sad and unhappy on this day of supposed love & happiness.

<Here endeth today’s blogpost as she gets down from her soapbox.>

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