Archive for the ‘relationships’ Category


2 months

February 2, 2014

It’s been 2 months.  People say it’s still early days.  I can’t believe it’s been so long.  It still feels so fresh.

My brain still doesn’t believe it.  I can’t comprehend it.

My heart still hurts.  There’s just a huge gap.

The tears are still falling.  Randomly.  Suddenly.  Like a bolt out of the blue.  For no reason at all.





Birthday dilemmas

January 5, 2014

There are a couple of drawbacks about having a birthday at this time of year. There’s the obvious fact that people forget. And by people I don’t just mean acquaintances, I mean family or good friends.  Praps it’s just me but if I don’t get the card on my birthday, then I may as well not get it.  I mean, I know there are bank holidays at this time of year but equally my birthday has always been the same time.  Sometimes I feel like shouting at people to get their act together!  Buy a diary.  Set a reminder on your phone.  Anything. Cos to be brutally honest, no, it’s not alright to forget just because it’s Christmas time and you’re busy.  But I digress!

The main drawback for birthdays at the end of the year is in trying to arrange doing something with friends.  It seems I have to arrange my own birthday celebrations cos besides the traditional family meal out on the day, no-one ever suggests anything.  So this year, as in previous years I’ve taken the bull by the horns and arranged my own thing, part of my mission to keep myself busy & occupied with fun things.  Sadly though, I was a little disillusioned yet again.  People just don’t seem to want to put themselves out.  Numbers were already down cos people are away visiting but from those who are around, as usual, I find myself being let down & disappointed. Hmm, not good.

I must add at this point that I did have a really good evening though with 3 friends (one of whom I’d never met before this evening!) and so it wasn’t a disaster, far from it in fact, although I do have a house full of food that hasn’t been eaten now!  Eek!

So should I not bother in future?  Should I just resign myself to the fact that people aren’t interested enough in helping me celebrate?

No.  I’m not the sort of person to do that.  It’s not in my nature to give up on people.  So who knows, perhaps this time next year I’ll be writing a similar post but I live in hope that that won’t be the case.



January 2, 2014

friendshipThey say that in times of trouble you find out who your friends are. I never realised how true that was before but over the past few months & particular the last few weeks, I’ve been surprised in both good & bad ways by people in my life.

They have been some who have said they are there or who know what I’m going through but haven’t followed through in the way I’d expect & have been almost conspicuous by their absence. Others just vanished from my life weeks, even months ago. They effectively turned the page on me. That makes me sad.

At the other extreme of the spectrum there have been some people who have gone out of their way to be supportive, who’ve checked up on me regularly, reminded me to eat & sleep, told me to be kind to myself, something that I’m only now just beginning to understand. Some friends have pushed aside their own demons & fought through their own pain & fears to support me. I will never forget their kindness.

Someone told me I was being carried on a blanket of prayer. Wow! I think that must be true because I really wouldn’t have got to this point otherwise.

I guess the lesson I’m learning from all this is that true friends & family will always be there for me. If some of them aren’t, then are they truly friends? Do I really want to spend time with them, give energy supporting & worrying about them? I have also learnt how true friends behave and I need to remember that, remember how much their support means to me right now and then in time, remember to pay that forwards to others.

I’m reminded of the words of the song:

When my heart was so broken that I could not pray,
When love wasn’t easy to see.
Someone was there, somebody cared,
Somebody prayed for me.
Read the rest of this entry ?


The first Christmas

December 26, 2013

I can’t quite believe I’ve just had Christmas without Mum. I’ve tried so hard today and managed so well but now it’s all over, it’s now that the tears are flowing. And it really hurts. There’s a huge gap. After a lifetime of Christmasses this was the first one I spent without Mum, without my Mum to share it with me. That’s just so immense, so huge. I just can’t come to terms with it right now.

We carried on as normal. I even had some times of great laughter with my niece. We talked about Mum as though that were normal. But it wasn’t normal, she wasn’t there and that’s not right and it’s not fair. She so wanted to be home for Christmas and to spend it with us all. She didn’t get to do that. Why? I don’t know but I really wish she had because Christmas without Mum just doesn’t seem right at all. And right now I’m wondering whether it will ever seem right again.



December 14, 2013

Today we said goodbye to you.  It was a difficult day but I hope you were proud of us and what we did for you. tears1

We left your house early this morning, the undertaker even walked down the road in front of you to stop the rush hour traffic.  Wonder what you would’ve said about that?  The chapel was tough.  I knew it would be & I so wanted to stay strong but I crumbled a little as I looked at the beautiful flowers on your coffin. Even now I can’t quite come to terms with the fact that you were inside it, it’s just so unreal still.  I was moved to see your grandson shed a tear too but Captain’s words had that effect on us all.  The graveyard was really hard but we rallied round together & tried to look after Dad for you, he misses you so much already.

Your Thanksgiving Service was well attended, I think you would’ve been pleased.  It was a real time of thanks for everything you have been to each of us.  We were told that the best tribute to you was us, your family. We are all so grateful for everything you’ve done for us and the time we spent together. Your grandchildren really did you proud & spoke so well and the pictures that they put together were a great portrait of your life with each of us, helping us to remember special times.  It was all about you.    I don’t know what you would’ve said about that but so many people told me how lovely the service was, so I think you would have liked it too – I hope so.

So where do I go from here?  Well tomorrow I have to start learning how to live my life without you.  That’s a scary thought & I don’t know how I’m going to manage but I guess I have to, don’t I?  I think you told me recently that you’d be ok, to carry on but all the same Christmas won’t be the same without you here. I know you would want me to try to enjoy it though, so tomorrow your grandaughter is going to help me put up the tree.  We won’t be able to do the lights as well as you, but we’ll do our best and hopefully you’ll be smiling down when you see the finished product and it won’t look too bad.  I’ll make sure I put up the lights you gave me and I’ll think of you whenever I look at them.

I miss you, always.  All my love xx


Is silence golden?

February 15, 2012
Sometimes I love that silence between people, when no words are necessary & you’re just happy to be.  Period.  But at other times I really hate it & it feels really awkward & uncomfortable.  I feel like I want to talk.  I want that interaction but I don’t want to force it.  Do you get what I mean?

And I don’t just mean on a face-to-face level.  I’m talking about online communication as well.  In this age of technology and with the numerous communication channels open to us, perhaps this is even more relevant online.

It’s like, if you go up to someone to talk to them & they just turn away and don’t reply, it leaves you feeling somewhat hurt.  I think it’s like that in our online worlds as well.  If we send an email to someone.  If we post on their Facebook wall.  If we “like” a photo or a blog post.  If we send them a text.  If we talk to them via online messenger.  If we communicate in some other way online and ….. nothing!

If we just don’t get a response, t’s like that person is physically turning around & walking away from you. Effectively ignoring you.  Well maybe it’s just me, but that can hurt too.  You can feel like you’re being ignored and that the other person just doesn’t want to know you or perhaps can’t be bothered with what you have to say at that particular point in time.  And maybe sometimes that’s ok but perhaps at other times it isn’t.  You might simply want to talk to someone, about anything at all, just to have someone there to communicate with.  You might want to feel better about something but can’t actually bring yourself to express those words.  So instead you turn to online media because you have a need and are trying to get back something which will help you. Support from a friend?  Encouragement you’re doing the right thing? Acknowledgment that you’re not on your own or forgotten.

Perhaps that’s where technology is letting us down, because the other person can’t see you visibly and so they just don’t get it?  Ok, I might feel that way but they might not even realise that.  They might not see how their unresponsiveness appears.  To them perhaps they missed the initial communication or they didn’t realise its importance or that it warranted a response.  Perhaps if you’d been face-to-face that would not have been the case & they would have seen in your face that something was needed from them?  Hmm.

So is technology helping or hindering communication?  Is it making your life better or worse?  Is this age of increasing communication tools actually improving communication between people?  Are we all too caught up in our own worlds on both sides of that communication to hear what is or isn’t being said?

Is that silence golden & beautiful or does it make you feel lonely and detached?

Hearts & Flowers

February 14, 2012

How is it that a few hearts & flowers can end up making you feel sad & hopeless?

Interesting question, or perhaps not to you but one I often ponder upon at this time of year. Yes, it’s Valentine’s Day, again. Unfortunately it comes around every year & it never seems to get any better.  To be honest, it’s one of those day which I would rather just sleep through & be oblivious too. But why? Well it’s those expectations again. The world’s assumption that everyone is happily coupled up & wants to share that day & make it special and that everyone else wants to hear all about it & have it seemingly thrown in their face.

Well it’s not true. Some of us aren’t in that happy situation & we don’t want to be reminded of that fact. We don’t want it to be in the shops for weeks on end beforehand, on the radio, on the tv, all over the net. Just leave it alone, please.

On Pause for Thought on the radio this morning the speaker talked about how she felt like she was walking under a cartoon black cloud on days like today. I wouldnt quite go that far but I would just say, celebrate quietly if you must, but dont make the rest of us feel sad and unhappy on this day of supposed love & happiness.

<Here endeth today’s blogpost as she gets down from her soapbox.>

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