Limbo

April 1st was a momentous day.
After a long time dreaming, I was finally able to hand in my notice.  Woohoo.

Last week I was offered a new job, something I’ve been wanting for a while now.  In reality it feels like it’s been my main focus for years, a day I thought I’d never see.  I’d dreamed of resigning for so long.  But now what?

I’ll be at work for a couple more weeks not but it seems strange.  I feel like I’m in limbo.  It’s like the earth is a little off kilter.

For the first time in literally years I don’t come home & search the job boards for new roles which have been added that day.  I don’t need to read all those job emails I’m subscribed to every day.  I’m not researching companies & deciding whether or not to apply.  I’m not badgering agencies to see if they’ve got that perfect role, or not even a perfect role, just a role.  And it all just seems strange.

When something so big is suddenly over, well it’s just a little strange and unsettling.  I don’t quite dare believe it’s true.  I’m nervous about unsubscribing from those job alerts.  I find myself having time to relax in the evenings & it just feels like a huge weight has been lifted.  And that’s a little disconcerting, whilst at the same time being amazing.

For now I’m in a state of limbo.  I’m in one job but counting down the days until it’s over and I can leave.  I don’t quite belong here anymore and yet I don’t belong there either.  Limbo.

Memories

Are you the sort of person who looks back on things fondly, who wants to remember the past & everything that happened? I guess I am. I like all that sort of thing. I love delving into my family history, trying to find out more about those who went before. I have photos around of things I’ve done, places I’ve been, people I’ve known – they’re even being superseded nowadays with printed photo books . I just love flicking back through those pages and memories.

Yesterday I was sorting through some things & came across an envelope in which I found my 18th birthday cards. Wow, was that a journey back down memory lane or what?! Cos let’s face it, that was many moons ago (ridiculous I know!) Anyway it was lovely reading the messages from people and thinking about where we all are now. School friends now scattered across the globe. Family wishing me happiness. Have I fulfilled those hopes & dreams that people talked about all those years ago? Am I still travelling through life with those expectations and excitement for what’s to come?

Amidst the happiness I did find, there was also a hint of sadness though as I read cards from family no longer here. I admit it made me a little emotional reading words from Grandmas, Aunts and Uncles and even my Mum – people who will never share those thoughts with me again. Their messages meant all the more to me & I found myself wondering what they were thinking when they wrote them. What would they think about where I’ve come in life, what I’m doing today? What messages would we be exchanging now in 2019. Hmm.

It’s good to look back but it’s perhaps better to move forward. Tinged with sadness? Maybe. Thankful for the memories? Completely.

Onwards and Upwards: Hope – #OneWord365

“Live intentionally, don’t sleepwalk through your days”

Wow!

These are definitely the words for me right now.  I’ve had an awful 2 years but it’s time to move on, to let go of those bitter and resentful thoughts.  I can’t hold on to them forever.  Other people have problems too, I’m not the only one.  They say what we go through affects who we are and what we become.  I need to take stock of that too.  It’s time to focus on positives, to remember the good things and the good times and to be thankful for them and for the opportunities which lie ahead.

Last year I chose the word believe.  I needed to believe in myself and to have faith.  That’s still very much true for me.  But this year I choose the word hope for 2015: hope for today and for tomorrow, for those things in my live which are worrying and troubling me.  As the song says: “strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow”.  I guess if I’m honest I’ve lost a lot of hope in the past couple of years & circumstances have really knocked the stuffing out of me.  Right now I’m relying on that focus that hope will be the belief I need.

I have a unique opportunity right now to start over, to move forward and to carry on living.

“To have faith is to be sure of the things we hope for, to be certain of the things we cannot see.”

Definitely the challenge for me in 2015

Here I go!

One Word 365

You’re probably already bored with me saying I don’t do new year resolutions, but it’s true. So moving on, when I read recently about One Word 365 it challenged me and I decided to sign up to it myself.

For those of you who don’t know what this is about, you can find out more on the One Word website but to summarise what it is:

Choose just one word.
One word that sums up who you want to be or how you want to live. One word that you can focus on every day, all year long.

It will take intentionality and commitment, but if you let it, your one word will shape not only your year, but also you. It will become the compass that directs your decisions and guides your steps.

Well it sounded like a good idea to me and just what I needed.  There was only one problem though, which word should I choose? I was immediately drawn to 3 words: trust, faith and belief. And yes, I do know that these 3 are closely intertwined and are in effect three angles on the same idea.  Perhaps that’s indicative of where I am at the moment in my life. Anyway I thought about the words but quickly came to the conclusion that believe was the one for me and so I’ve been consciously trying to focus on that word for the past 10 days.

I must say at this stage that this has already been a useful experience and it’s actually helped me to get through some difficult moments. Simply the fact of stopping, thinking, taking a deep breath and telling myself to believe has encouraged me and in some ways comforted me. That can only be a good thing, can’t it?

So back to believe. The definition which I found online says:

believe

1. accept that (something) is true, especially without proof
2. hold (something) as an opinion, think.
3. have confidence in (a person or a course of action)

You might ask why have I chosen this word for myself in 2014. Well to be honest there are several reasons:

Firstly I need to believe more in myself. I need to be more confident in who I am and my abilities because these have really taken a knocking in the past few months.

Secondly I want to be able to believe more in other people too. I often find it difficult to trust people and open up to them about what’s really going on in my life and in my head! It takes time for me to reach that point with people, so if you think I’m open with you, then you’re one of a small number of people who know the real me. I want to believe in other people, that there are good people out there and good people in my life and I want to be able to trust and believe in them and what they are saying to me.

Finally I guess I come to the whole faith and belief issue. Recent months have really challenged that area of my life and perhaps I’ve been clinging on with my fingertips? I don’t know. I do know that I need to focus on this side of belief as well in the days ahead and that this will also have an influence on the rest of my life.

So my One Word 365 journey has begun. I’m hoping that by focusing on believing, that my life will be enriched, my life will be challenged and my life will be improved. Time will tell but watch this space for updates on how it’s going and posts about significant events & developments along the way.

How about you? What will your word and focus be in 2014?

Those special things 2014

In the past I’ve replaced New Year resolutions with a plan of things to look forward to in the coming year.  This has rather fallen by the wayside the last couple of years but right now I’m in need of lots of cheering up so I’m keen to resurrect this idea and create a list for 2014.

Obviously this is a work in progress and hopefully I’ll be adding to it at regular interval, but for now at least it’s good to have a few things penciled in to start off this year so that I’ve got some markers of exciting things coming up soon.

I’ll be posting back at the end of each month with updates, to complete my diary of 2014 special things, so watch this space.

January
Cinema outing
Birthday/New Year evening with friends
Trip to see the ballet The Nutcracker Suite
Start new job
Pampered Chef evening

February
Evening out with friends at Italian restaurant
Evening painting pottery
Friends coming to visit
Theatre with my niece to watch Seven Brides for Seven Brothers

March
Visit to cinema to see The Book Thief
Afternoon tea at Chatsworth House with friends

April

May
Spring holiday in Rhodes, booked! 🙂

June
Family wedding
Friends wedding

July

August

September

October
Long weekend in Rome

November

December
My lovely niece comes home for Christmas & comes to stay
Christmas
Birthday

New Year blues

I know my posts have been quite sad recently but I guess there are times in all our lives when it’s hard to see the happiness and light at the end of the tunnel and I’m going through one of those times right now.

I’ve never been a fan of New Year.  I’ve said in the past how I don’t do resolutions and how I don’t really get New Year.  This year, right now, I’m struggling.  I just can’t foresee a Happy New Year at this moment in time.  I want to be optimistic.  I want to believe that 2014 will be a good year.  That 2014 might even be my year.  But right now, as the clock has struck midnight & 2014 is here, I don’t feel I can be happy and I’m just feeling really sad.  After all, how can it be a Happy New Year without Mum.  I’m really feeling that sense of loss right now.

So forgive me if I’m not partying.  Forgive me if I’m not laughing or even smiling.  Just help me to remember the good times and to remember them without the tears that come when I remember the loss.

I will wish you a blessed new year, one when we might all feel fulfilled and happy in our own lives.

2013, the return

It seems I’ve rather neglected this blog over the past year.  It’s not that I haven’t had things I could have written about, I have.  It’s just that life seems to have rather got in the way of my writing & I’m finding that I’ve missed that, missed the opportunity to express in black & white my thoughts about things going on around me and within my own life as well.  So the time has come to take the bull by the horns & get back to it, to remember why I started this blog in the first place & to start doing some writing again.

So many things have been happening that it’s hard to know where to start, but start I will.  So off I go now to ponder just that.  Look for me on the other side …. 🙂