Self Isolation

So this evening my phone pinged & there it was, the ominous message telling me I have to self isolate for 9 days!

I’ve been so careful. I’ve cleaned everything that’s come into the house and have basically done nothing for over a year. But on Saturday it was my neighbour’s birthday and she invited me to her birthday gathering in the garden. I was only there for an hour, hardly spoke to anyone & tried to keep my distance. It seems it didn’t work.

Sigh

I’m double jabbed. We were outside. I hardly mixed at all. But the Bluetooth app says otherwise.

So now I have to wait 9 days to confirm I’m ok. I’ll spend all that time worrying (I already am) particularly as my highly vulnerable father is still staying with me.

But should I worry? Isn’t the point of the vaccine that you won’t catch it or be ill? I really hope that’s true.

Roll on the 15th!

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PS. My neighbour has contacted everyone else who was there & no-one is ill or has reported a positive test. I’ve even done a lateral flow test myself which was negative. So I’m guessing it was a false alarm. I’ll keep isolating but I’m wondering just how accurate is the app?

Honesty from the heart

It’s hard.

I’m feeling the stress.
There just seems to be no end at the moment.
I don’t know how I’m going to manage.
It scares me.

Life is tough right now.
It’s not just the work situation or lack of it.
It’s not just the global or even the local pandemic situation.

The biggest stress right now is caring.
It puts so much strain on me alongside everything else.
That mountain of worries on my shoulders.
That never-endingness.

How did I get here?
How has my life ended up like this?
Why don’t people listen?
Or, why don’t they hear what I’m actually saying?
Why don’t they understand the pressure?  That constant weight of stress.  That continuous sense of foreboding.  That tension and overbearing feeling of apprehension and worry?

It’s lonely.
It’s frightening.
It’s neverending
It’s just too much

What can I do?
What’s the solution?
What will help?
Who will help?

This wasn’t in the plan.
This isn’t how it was meant to be.
Where can I turn?

Birthday dilemmas

There are a couple of drawbacks about having a birthday at this time of year. There’s the obvious fact that people forget. And by people I don’t just mean acquaintances, I mean family or good friends.  Praps it’s just me but if I don’t get the card on my birthday, then I may as well not get it.  I mean, I know there are bank holidays at this time of year but equally my birthday has always been the same time.  Sometimes I feel like shouting at people to get their act together!  Buy a diary.  Set a reminder on your phone.  Anything. Cos to be brutally honest, no, it’s not alright to forget just because it’s Christmas time and you’re busy.  But I digress!

The main drawback for birthdays at the end of the year is in trying to arrange doing something with friends.  It seems I have to arrange my own birthday celebrations cos besides the traditional family meal out on the day, no-one ever suggests anything.  So this year, as in previous years I’ve taken the bull by the horns and arranged my own thing, part of my mission to keep myself busy & occupied with fun things.  Sadly though, I was a little disillusioned yet again.  People just don’t seem to want to put themselves out.  Numbers were already down cos people are away visiting but from those who are around, as usual, I find myself being let down & disappointed. Hmm, not good.

I must add at this point that I did have a really good evening though with 3 friends (one of whom I’d never met before this evening!) and so it wasn’t a disaster, far from it in fact, although I do have a house full of food that hasn’t been eaten now!  Eek!

So should I not bother in future?  Should I just resign myself to the fact that people aren’t interested enough in helping me celebrate?

No.  I’m not the sort of person to do that.  It’s not in my nature to give up on people.  So who knows, perhaps this time next year I’ll be writing a similar post but I live in hope that that won’t be the case.

The internet can be a dangerous thing

Do you ever have that feeling in the pit of your stomach?  You know the one, when someone tells you something & your brain goes into overdrive and thinks the worst?  Well that’s where I am right now.  I’ve been told something that scares me.  To be honest it didn’t scare me straight away, it was only when I decided to do a Google search that I became scared.  The internet can be a such a dangerous thing!

So now that I’ve read the bad stuff online, I can’t quite wipe that out of my mind & so now I’m sitting here really rather scared & a tad tearful even worrying about something that I can’t change and about something which in all probability isn’t even fact.  I’ve got that horrible feeling in my stomach & my inside is turning over doing somersaults 😦

I guess it’s part of my make-up, that sense of worry & concern about people I love and care for.  I’ve inherited it from my Mum & I can’t do anything about it.  I can tell myself not to worry.  I can tell myself that there’s nothing to worry about.  I can even convince myself that that’s true – well almost.  But then my brain reminds me & there goes my stomach acrobatics again! 😦

What is it they say about knowledge?  Too much can be a bad thing?  Hmm, I reckon I can appreciate that right now :S

Trying times

I’ve been working for almost 17 years now. I know that to some of you that might sound like an eternity but to others it must sound like I’m fresh out of nappies!  Well anyway, during that 17 years there have been a variety of moments and experiences, some highs and some lows but I can honestly say that the past couple of weeks have been amongst the most challenging – and unfortunately not in a good way. And if i’m really honest, yesterday was perhaps the worst day of my working life, period!  And that takes some doing seeing as I was made redundant from my last employer.

I don’t know what you do to overcome moments like these, times which challenge you to the utmost.  How do you actually shrug your shoulders, turn the other cheek, pick yourself up & carry on, and all those other cliches? They say forgive and forget, and ok, an apology does help to a certain degree but right now I can’t seem to get over that hurt, that feeling of utter dispair when I really didn’t know what I could do & where I could turn. (Although I was fortunate to stumble across a colleague at that point, which helped a little at the time of most despair!)

So in an attempt to try & move on, here I am back at my blog again, trying to find that cathartic feeling that so often comes from physically putting words down in print. Yes, I’ve neglected my blog in recent months.  Perhaps that indicative of all the thing that have been going on in my life lately.  They’ve certainly not all been bad things either. Actually despite some incredibly busy times, there have been many fantastic and memorable moments lately.  I guess the challenge now is to push those experiences to the forefront of my mind and to bury away the bad experiences of the past few weeks.

What is it they say? Everything happens for a reason.  These moments are made to strengthen us?  God only challenges us as much as he knows we can bear?

Hmm, right now it’s really kinda hard to see that silver lining or the brightness on the horizon ahead of me. I only hope that I’ll get there soon cos in the meantime I have work to do & I have to face some difficult individuals on a daily basis.  Definitely time for a self pep talk me thinks! 🙂

Life as a marketing manager

At times the life of a marketing manager in an SME is seriously frustrating. Today is one of those times.

Right now I’m sitting fuming at my desk, typing furiously and just wanting to vent at the whole wide world in an attempt to get this frustration out of me!  So far it really isn’t working 😦

Do you want to know why I’m so angry at the moment?  Well I’m going to tell you anyway, even if you don’t – such is my mood at the moment.  I’m trying to plan for 2011.  Yes, I know we’re almost at the end of January and it should have been done way long before now, but I’ve been trying to do this planning for weeks only to be met by obstacle after obstacle.  Basically, working in a techy environment means that I have to rely on other people – the technical ones – for input into things.  That in itself is not a problem.  What is a problem is the fact that my work is not considered important enough to warrant their time.  As often happens with teams that combine sales & marketing, marketing gets pushed to the sidelines as the sales side of things is considered more important.  Unfortunately in my case, the technical side of things is also considered more vital & seems to get a good look in too.

Granted each of these is important and does have its place in the grand scheme of things, but why does that mean that marketing is not important and is the function which can be pushed aside, delayed, postponed and and and?   Aaaaaaagggggggggghhhhhhhh it really does get my goat!

So right now my planning has had another spanner thrown in the works. Without the input I need I just cannot move forward.  The trouble is, I really don’t know what on earth to do about it.

So for now I’m venting my frustration out on the keyboard, typing angrily. Problem is, I just don’t think that’s gonna help though 😦

<and breathe>

quote of the day

I read an interesting post a while ago about a LinkedIn discussion on favourite quotes.  It caught my attention & gave me some food for thought.   The quote that the author chose was:

“If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.” Henry Ford

Hmm.

He gave some complicated reasoning behind this, but my reason for taking note of this quote is that it’s just so basic.  If we want to change things, then we have to makes changes.  If we don’t, then things wont change & we’ll carry on doing the same things in the same old ways.

Simple!

Yeah, maybe it’s simple but I guess it’s not always quite so easy to make the changes that are necessary.  I mean, how often are we unhappy with our lot in life?  Unsatisfied with things?  Wanting more?  Searching for something different?

But do we actually get out there & make changes?  Do we move away from the security which is around us?  Do we dare to make decisions and say things to people that they may not like, but that ultimately we know are for the best?

I think far too often we don’t.  We’re just not honest with ourselves or those around us and we  just “settle” for things as they are.  After all, that thing we’re searching for, that job/person/situation/perfection, might not even be out there and isnt it better to just be happy with what we’ve got instead, just in case?

Hmm, I’m not so sure that the answer should be yes!

The unpredictability of people

Ok, so it’s been a while since I last blogged.
Correction it’s been FAR too long & I must admit I’ve kinda missed blogging but at the same time got out of the habit. Time to change that I think, altho circumstances mean I wont actually be able to post for a couple of weeks so I’d better get some posts written now instead, hadnt I? 😉

Anyway, today my thoughts have turned to people and how unpredicatable they can be. You can take your time getting to know someone & then, just when you think you understand then, hey presto, something happens & you wonder whether or not you really did get them after all. It’s like someone has waved that magic wand or given them a personality transplant. Very strange and at the same time somewhat upsetting, or perhaps that’s just me being a sensitive soul, or rather, far too sensitive for my own good.

I guess I just like to see the best in people & invariably that means that somewhere along the line they’re gonna let you down, arent they? Very sad 😦 😦

Anyway, onwards & upwards, or so they say. Behind every closed door a window opens & all that.

But does it?
I suppose I’m about to find out ….

Mending a broken heart

Have you had a time in your life when you’ve felt as though the whole world has come crashing down around you?  When everything seems to be going wrong?  When you’ve felt really alone?

And what was the cause of it all?  Perhaps it was because someone had broken your heart.  After all, how many of us haven’t had our hearts broken at one time or another?

Well fear not, because the medical profession now believe that a broken heart is a real medical condition.  They call it “broken heart syndrome” (catchy huh?) and they actually believe that they can treat this condition.  Apparently it’s existed since the 90’s although I myself would’ve thought it had been around since time began.

But fear not, despite the pain, a broken heart really can be treated and even the “critically ill” can make a full recovery. Good news I hear you cry – or perhaps not, don’t we sometimes just want to dwell in our broken heartedness, it makes it feel all the more real that there was something special in the first place!

So, going back to the point, what treatment do they suggest for this summer months condition?  Answer: asprin or heart remedies!  They’re even looking for patients to study with ultrasound.  Hmm …

read more

face in the crowd

Think about this scenario for a minute: you walk into a room full of strangers. You glance around the room to see who is there. You walk over to someone & start up a conversation with them.

Sound familiar?  I’m sure it’s a scenario which we’ve all been in but I have a question about it.  When you glance around that room, how do you choose who you are going to go & talk to?

How do you reach that decision?  What influences it?  Do you know what factors affect your decision, or do you think it’s a subconscious thing?  And if it’s subconscious, how do you know what you look for in people? What criteria do you put on people to decide whether or not they are going to be your friend? What things are you looking for in someone and how do you choose who you are friends with?

Ok, I know that’s quite a list of question & points to think about.  But as ever, there is a reason why I’m asking?

Recently I had a conversation with someone and they asked me precisely these things.  They believe that I must, yes I stress must have a list, some criteria by which I decide who to be friends with.  How else am I going to find a partner?!

Er, I’m sorry, a list of criteria to tick off when choosing friends?!  I’m really not at all happy with that idea and I honestly don’t think I have a master-plan of criteria for choosing my friends.  Do you?

I came away from the conversation feeling quite despondent and a little like a hopeless case!  I don’t think I look for specific things in friends.  My friends are people I can relax and be myself with.  They are not my friends because of x y or z.  I don’t have to analyse people to decide whether I like them, I think perhaps that’s more an instinctive thing and I’m not going to start doing that now.  According to my friend, that means I’ll never find a husband, but I think I’d rather not be quite so calculating a person as to examine & judge people in that way.

I’m happy with myself as I am and I’ve no intention of demeaning such a valuable thing as friendship.