Self Isolation

So this evening my phone pinged & there it was, the ominous message telling me I have to self isolate for 9 days!

I’ve been so careful. I’ve cleaned everything that’s come into the house and have basically done nothing for over a year. But on Saturday it was my neighbour’s birthday and she invited me to her birthday gathering in the garden. I was only there for an hour, hardly spoke to anyone & tried to keep my distance. It seems it didn’t work.

Sigh

I’m double jabbed. We were outside. I hardly mixed at all. But the Bluetooth app says otherwise.

So now I have to wait 9 days to confirm I’m ok. I’ll spend all that time worrying (I already am) particularly as my highly vulnerable father is still staying with me.

But should I worry? Isn’t the point of the vaccine that you won’t catch it or be ill? I really hope that’s true.

Roll on the 15th!

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PS. My neighbour has contacted everyone else who was there & no-one is ill or has reported a positive test. I’ve even done a lateral flow test myself which was negative. So I’m guessing it was a false alarm. I’ll keep isolating but I’m wondering just how accurate is the app?

Honesty from the heart

It’s hard.

I’m feeling the stress.
There just seems to be no end at the moment.
I don’t know how I’m going to manage.
It scares me.

Life is tough right now.
It’s not just the work situation or lack of it.
It’s not just the global or even the local pandemic situation.

The biggest stress right now is caring.
It puts so much strain on me alongside everything else.
That mountain of worries on my shoulders.
That never-endingness.

How did I get here?
How has my life ended up like this?
Why don’t people listen?
Or, why don’t they hear what I’m actually saying?
Why don’t they understand the pressure?  That constant weight of stress.  That continuous sense of foreboding.  That tension and overbearing feeling of apprehension and worry?

It’s lonely.
It’s frightening.
It’s neverending
It’s just too much

What can I do?
What’s the solution?
What will help?
Who will help?

This wasn’t in the plan.
This isn’t how it was meant to be.
Where can I turn?

An ordinary day?

One minute life is fine, then it hits you like a bus!  Today has been one of those days.  I’m now sitting up really late writing, trying to make sense of what seems to make no sense.  Trying to rationalise what’s happened.  Shaking with fear.  Worrying.  Tired but too wound up to sleep.  Breathe.

It was an ordinary day, well as ordinary as it can be when your job ends because of cost saving measures due to a virus that’s hitting the world.  That was bad.  Then I heard I couldn’t benefit from the furlough safety packages.  That was bad.  Then Dad collapsed on me.  That was scary, very scary.  Quite traumatising to be honest.  Then there was him having to go to hospital.  That was worrying, really worrying in today’s current climate.  But I was assured he was safe, that he was separate from potential dangers.  He was doing ok but would be kept in overnight to make sure.

Then came the phone call.  Today was no longer an ordinary day.  Within a matter of hours it had turned into an horrific day.  The doctor who rang was harsh, a bit too blunt for my liking.  I know he has to be but when he’s ringing with news that will shock, then maybe he should be gentler.  Within seconds I was shaking, stunned.  How could someone who was fine a matter of hours ago, someone who had just passed out with a low blood pressure, how could someone like that suddenly be so seriously ill that a hospital doctor has to phone me at midnight to ask about resuscitation?

What’s going on?  How did we get here?  What on earth happened?

So right now I’m stunned.  I’m in shock.  I don’t know what to think.  And I’m scared.  More scared than I thought I’d be when I got up this morning, when things were still right-ish with the world.  Now I’m just not sure.

If I manage to sleep tonight, what will tomorrow bring?  Will I awake to worse news, the worst news?  Or will that glimmer of hope build and recovery continue?

My rainbow of hope arrived this afternoon.  Never did I need it more.

 

Why worry?

So where to start?  I’ve not posted for a while but it’s not cos there’s been nothing to say, perhaps there’s been too much to say?  Who knows?  Today I’m compelled to write for cathartic reasons, so forgive my ramblings & feelings if they become too much.

We all have someone in our lives who’s the person who’s meant to look out for us, to protect us, to be there when you need them, to tell you it’s ok and to comfort you.  That person who you look to or perhaps look up to.  I guess it’s probably a different person for each of us but I think in reality it’s probably usually a relative.  Anyway, my person, the person who I want to look out for me, who I hold on that pedestal, they’re not there for me right now.  And if I’m honest, they’ve not really been there for me during these past three and a half years when I’ve needed them most, when I’ve felt like my whole world is crumbling around me, when I’ve had no-one else to turn to.

This week it’s got worse.  I’ve been in tears too many times.  I’ve felt so alone and let down.  I’m so scared about things right now.  I can’t see a solution.  I don’t know what to do.

Perhaps writing is helping put this into perspective.  Perhaps it will help me?  I don’t know but I’m reminded of some words I heard recently, why worry, it just means we put ourselves through the pain twice.

 

One Word 2016

It took me a while to choose my word for 2016. I had several options floating around in my head but they didn’t quite seem right. I kept looking at them & thinking and not committing myself. Then I thought of the word fearless and I knew it was right for me.

Since I chose the word it’s actually already helped me. I’ve been faced with situations when I’ve felt scared or apprehensive and I’ve remembered my word & said fearless to myself and it’s given me that source of strength.

So why fearless?

I think the first thing that came to mind when I thought of the word was the angel talking to the shepherds, telling them to fear not: “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people (Luke 2:10 )

It struck a chord. Am I afraid? Why am I afraid?

Joshua 1:19 says Be strong Be brave Be fearless You are never alone

I think I need to remember those words. Sometimes it seems like I am alone, that I’m locked up in my house alone, that no-one else is there, that no-one else is bothered what I’m doing right then. When you stop & think like that though, you become afraid, afraid of the future and what lies in store, as well as being afraid of the present. That’s not a good place to be. It’s not a good way to feel.

Interestingly when you turn to the dictionary definition of fearless it says “showing a lack of fear” “brave”. It doesn’t say without fear, it suggests not showing fear. I think that’s something that I’m quite good at doing. I don’t tend to tell people when I’m afraid, I bottle it in, I carry on regardless or just hide myself away and try to avoid whatever the circumstances are that are causing that fear.

Fearless tells me it’s ok to have fear but to be brave and intrepid. So that’s what I’m striving to do in 2016, to remind myself that I’m fearless, that I can carry on, that being afraid doesn’t have to rule my life or dictate what I do or how I do it. That no matter how afraid I may be that I can carry on living in spite of any fears.

Fearless is not the absence of fear, it’s not never being afraid, it’s being able to push ahead despite those storms and challenges, and emerging the other side of them.

Postscript, I love the urban dictionary definition for fearless

“Strong willed. Heart of gold. Beautiful inside and out. Able to push through the storms of a shattered heart, broken spirit and tattered body emerging twice as graceful and independent then before. A truly gifted woman with a gorgeous soul and a dreamers disease”

I am fearless
I am strong willed
I have a heart of gold
I am beautiful inside and out
I can push through the storms of my shattered heart, my broken body and emerge twice as graceful and independent as before

 

Prayer for a loved one

Sometimes you can feel really helpless, like no matter what you say it just isn’t making a difference.  Other people’s situations can just be too much & helping them to cope can be difficult.  Your inability to be able to solve the problem can make you very frustrated.  And your love for that person just brings you to tears.

I found myself there right now.  What can I do?  What can I say to ease their fears?  What can I do to make them feel better?  What should I be doing differently to help?

Unfortunately I don’t have the answer.  Experience is showing me that I really can’t change the situation however much I wish I could.  And as much as I want to be there all the time to help, I can’t do that either.  So what is the solution?  Right now, all I can do is pray and trust that will be enough, that things will improve, worries & fears will be taken away and soon a sense of normality will return.

Lord

Right now I ask you to put your arm around those people dearest to me.  Ease those worries & fears.  Comfort & strengthen them in their time of need.  Lift away those feelings of uncertainty and replace them with confidence & a new sense of certainty. Help me to be there to support at this time and bring us all through this with a new sense of understanding for one another and the surety that everything will be alright.

Amen

Someone shared these words with me today, words which they are turning to for support during their own difficult time.  I pray that I will be able to do the same right now:
“Why should I worry & fret when I can cast my anxiety on Christ who cares for me?” 1 Peter 5:7